Monday, June 7, 2010

(My Last) Gardener's Corner

Icelandic Pineapple (Cranium Fracturus)

Icelandic Pineapple is remarkably easy to grow and well below the skill level of even the most retarded home gardener. Cuttings, or "corms" are easily acquired by obtaining Icelandic citizenship, placing one's name on a waiting list, then waiting in a darkened hotel room in Reykjavik for a man named Guofinnur to deliver the goods. Best results are obtained by planting the corms in early spring, then changing your name and leaving town. In August, bank the rows with a mixture of well rotted manure and solid gold. By September, the tops of the plants will produce huge, gelatinous sacs which eventually burst and emit hordes of ravenous, man eating slugs. Sometime later, the fruit may be safely harvested by remote control from outer space.

Prized in its native land for its pungent scent, which reminds one of rotting corpses, The Icelandic Pineapple first reached the shores of North America by way of early Viking plague ships. Though some cultivars were once grown commercially to produce an inexpensive alternative to pre-frontal lobotomy (with mixed results), the practice has fallen into disuse. Nowadays, the entire annual crop is given over to the production of Icelandic Pinapple Wine, the effect of which is difficult to describe. Survivors report an increased sensitivity to sunlight and the ability to fly.

...from, "Digging For Dignity - One Man's Guide to Self Destruction", by I.M. Druncas Ascuncas

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