Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Gardener's Corner

Arabian Parsnips (Parsnipus Arabipus)

Arabian parsnips, or more commonly, "Achmed's Revenge", are easy to grow and present little challenge to the home gardener. Seeds may be purchased in 60 gallon drums at most Arabian parsnip outlets. Plant seeds six feet deep in holes drilled with a fence post auger. Soil should be well drained and treated with approximately 7 tons of well rotted manure, human body parts (to encourage bud formation) and fish eyeballs. Water every day for several hours with a fire hose secretly connected to a nearby fire hydrant. The roots grow to a depth of about 20 feet - above ground foliage should be kept in check with a machete. Roots can be lifted from the ground in late fall with a block and tackle. Store roots in a cool, dry airplane hanger to prevent spontaneous combustion.

Creamed Arabian parsnips make a delicious topping for bird head pie or jello. They can also be served baked, steamed, toasted, torched, scorched, smelted or incinerated, with a side of mouthwash. The flavor of any stew, soup, goulash, or ragout will be improved by the mere mention that Arabian parsnips might be served instead.

Arabian parsnips are thought to improve digestion by simply liquefying and expelling the digestive tract, thereby rendering the whole process unnecessary. It is thought that in ancient times, mariners employed them as caulking and to repel boarding parties.

...quoted from "I Lost My Pancreas to Gardening (And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt)" by Percy Whipstiff

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