Monday, June 7, 2010

The Gardener's Corner II

Norwegian Mambo Pepper (cantancorus trotsalotus)

Cultivation of the Norwegian Mambo Pepper is not considered to be within the normal abilities of the average home gardener. However, growing this pint sized package of culinary brimstone can be awfully rewarding for anyone with skill, patience, and access to a commercial blast furnace.

Rated at 12 million scoville units, the Mambo Pepper is considered to be the hottest pepper in the known universe. Seeds may only be purchased online and are promptly delivered in armored cars driven by men in strange looking hazmat suits who talk like extras from the movie "The Andromeda Strain". Before planting, home gardeners should check local zoning laws and compose wills.

The Mambo will grow in almost any well drained soil, but prefers active volcanoes and toxic waste dumps. Planting times are not important as the plants create their own weather systems. Pests to be guarded against are the Hairy Devil Spider, The Poisonous Fang Worm and the Night Horror, all of which may be kept in check with anti-tank weapons and napalm. Additionally, the Mambo should be isolated from the rest of the garden by a 10 foot wall of high tensile armor plate.

When mixed with fresh lemons and spring water, the Mambo Pepper provides a refreshing, summertime alternative to raw sewage. A "burpless" variety, known to delay rigor mortis by about 12 seconds, has also been developed.

...from, "Gardening For The Demented", by Marvin Mouthfungus

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