Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Nudism. What's up with that?


In all honesty, I never could understand all the hoopla about nudism. And not for the obvious reasons either. I'm sure there are a lot of folks out there who would look dynamite without any clothes on - but most of us have bodies which fall short of the Mendoza Line when it comes to attractiveness in the nude. Even so, I'm sure if you were a nudist you would get used to that. The real problem I have with nudism is, doggonit, I just plain like clothes. I like my jeans, my comfy knit boxers, my tee shirts... the whole bit.

You may remember what passed for racy literature when we were young were those nudist magazines. I got hold of a few, but even then I really didn't much care for them. I mean, here these people were stark naked - just what pimply adolescents like me wanted to see - but somehow those pictures always left me flat. Now, as then, show me a girl in a short, tight fitting dress and what's left of my hormones will start barking like dogs and howling at the moon. Now take the dress off and sure, I notice, but right after that the old hormones just want to lie down and take a nap.

I guess you can't beat the age old scam. Give a guy 90% of what he wants to see and he will spend most of his time and all of his money trying to get a peek at the other 10%. But show him the full Monty right out of the box and in no time he'll be out sniffing around somebody else's fire hydrant. Steve, the journey is most always more exciting than the destination.

As soon as Adam and Eve had a bite out of the apple, they realized they were naked and went looking for clothes. I always thought this was odd because clothes hadn't been invented yet. But still, its a story which resonates even today. Usually, the temptation to sin is far more exciting an experience than the sin itself.

Many, many years ago, back when I was a young buck growing up in the corn fields of Indiana, they had this carnival come through the sleepy little town of Swayzee every year. The biggest attraction was the strip show - and there was no age limit to get in. What you did was paid about a dollar and you got into the show. This girl came out in a bikini and did about two minutes of wiggle and shake, then stood up and waited while a man with a straw hat and a cane came out and announced that the second half of the show would cost you another three bucks. I can remember his words to this very day:

"When she comes back out she'll be wearing only three little dots. One here, one here," He said, pointing with his cane, then pointing to some red faced kid in the audience he continued, "and one here, where little junior is staring at. "

Well, everyone always paid the extra three bucks, after which the girl came back out and in no time the three pasties came off and all of us rubes got a quick lesson in anatomy. I can still remember her wrapping her leg around the tent pole and chewing gum with a really bored expression on her face. And you know what Steve? I was too precocious to admit it then, but I could have saved myself the three bucks because the first half of the show was always better than the second.


Now, as a bonus, a quick guide on how to translate some common phrases:

"This is going to hurt me more than it does you..."
Translation: "This is going to hurt you more than it does me."

"You had to be there..."
Translation: Thank God you weren't there because this joke sucked even worse the first time.

"So and so is no longer with the company. He left to pursue other interests..."
Translation: The boss canned his ass.

"Our price is too low to put in print..."
Translation: Our price is so high it embarrasses even us."

"So and so is a real go-getter..."
Translation: So and so is an annoying, self-promoting jerk.

...and a couple of married guy "how comes?"

OK, when going out to dinner, you ask your wife where she wants to go. Invariably, she will say, I don't know, you decide... Oh yeah? How come whatever place you suggest, she doesn't like it. Then you suggest another and she doesn't like that one either. After about the tenth suggestion you throw up your hands and say maybe you shouldn't go out after all. Then she gives you this fruity look, says she'll go out to the very first place you suggested and winds up having a great time - all of which makes you feel like a total idiot.

Finally, how about the "two dress syndrome"? You know how it works. You're out shopping - she holds up two dresses and asks which one you like the most. The one you point to is always - and I mean always the one she doesn't like the most. Imagine, if you will, a parallel universe in which you picked the other dress. Well by golly, even in that universe you picked the wrong one. It doesn't make any sense, does it? Consider then, naive man that you are - that wives are conditioned to like the dress you say you don't like .

Steve, these are universal laws. They aren't fair, they aren't logical... But in a weird sort of way, us guys wouldn't have it any other way.


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