Thursday, March 10, 2011

You're kidding me, right?


So I'm reading Parade magazine while waiting for the coffee to perk (er, drip).

Then when I get to the back cover I have a WTSH (Sam Hill, this is a G rated blog Steve) moment. Its one of those ads which features the typical before and after shtick - in this case, some blob of a woman with bad hair reclining slothfully on an inner tube in a lake, contrasted with the same gal as a svelte debutante with a new doo, dressed for an evening at the White House. Her secret? She dropped 74 lbs with NutriSystem. Nice work there lady.

But what got my eyeballs popping out and, as Bertie Wooster would say, "waving about on their attendant stalks", was the price of said system. Well, not really the NutriSystem costs that is. According to the ad its only around $260.00 for a month's worth of food - a figure which would barely keep me in beer and nachos. The cost that got my head to revolving like an Exorcist stunt double was the cost of the comparable Jenny Craig system - which comes to a mind blowing $752.44 a month!

Don't bother, I already figured it up. It comes to $25 bucks a day. Gee whiz Steve, if you're fat, I can see parting with 9 or 10 bucks a day for what amounts to 30 versions of freeze dried asparagus, but 25 dollars? Hold me Steve, the room is getting dark.... !

Now if you don't have a farm, go out and get one so you can bet it on the concept that the cost comparison in this ad is about as reliable as a Newt Gingrich marriage vow. Which is to say both dieting "systems" probably cost about the same and that cost is somewhere between 260 and 760 - oh, say, 15 or 20 smackers a day.

Let me give you a little background here. For years I ran residential heating and cooling service calls. One thing I learned was show me a fat person and I'll show you a person with a NordicTrac or a Joe Weider Gym gathering dust in the corner of a garage or basement. I swear, I once ran a call on a fat guy who was in the process of screwing together a bunch of stuff for a home gym. By coincidence, the very next year I went back to the same house, only to find the gym stuff pushed off in a corner and the guy about 10 pounds fatter.

Now I don't mean to be cruel here. Like smoking (and you know I smoke), being fat is no laughing matter and I'm sure its as tough to lose weight as it is to quit smoking. But why is it when people decide on a "commitment" to lose weight, the first thing they do is go out and buy something?

Here's a clue. People, if you want to stop smoking - stop buying stuff - stuff like cigarettes for example. The same strategy works for dropping the pounds. Folks, wake up and smell the Aspartame!

All the weight loss outfits out there use the same Big Lie: that you can lose weight without effort or discomfort. Home exercise outfits tell us you only need to use their silly machines for just "minutes a day". Diet plans want you to believe you can stuff yourself like a hog on "full, rich meals" and the pounds will fly off.

Come on people, THINK. The only sure bet here is you know you are losing weight when you are HUNGRY. Your body wants to be fat. Every one's does - and hunger is just its way of blackmailing you into throwing it a slice of peach pie or a bag of Ruffles potato chips. Deal with it. And NutriSystem or Jenny Craig can't make a chicken drumstick any less fattening than Kroger can. And by the way, the only exercise you really need is the "forearm push". That's where you learn to push yourself away from the dinner table after the salad and before the spaghetti and gnocchi.


You can thank me later Steve.


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